At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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