I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
