im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
