you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
