Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
