its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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