1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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