gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
