I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
