He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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