yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
