I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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