seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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