Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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