How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
