So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
