I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize