When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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