dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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