I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Pants are for mortals
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
