My liver just broke up with me...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
