Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my shit smells like andre
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Randomize
