apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize