what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize