You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
