T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
