woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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