I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
