Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
