He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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