you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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