i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
