if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
