Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
