she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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