i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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