saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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