I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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