Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
