You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
