literally had 100 drinks last night.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
