I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
