drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
