gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
