when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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