So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
