why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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