I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize