The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize