my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
