if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
