fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to sanitize my soul.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
