dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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