why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
