I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
