We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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